Beer Review: Heineken

It has been brought to my attention that many of the beer reviews on The IBU would benefit from some sort of contextual comparison. I understand that how a beer tastes is ENTIRELY subjective and that my palate could be vastly different than someone else's. Therefore, I have decided to review a very popular beer that, in my opinion, most beer drinkers have tried, Heineken!

Officially defined as a "Euro Pale Lager," Heineken is very similar to American "macro lagers" such as Budweiser and Coors. They are well known for their slightly-shorter-than-normal green bottles, an aspect that might be criticized in other beers, but which probably does not affect the taste too much. You will see why in a moment. The beer itself...

I got a Heineken on tap with my meal and it was served in smallish glass with the creamy head that you come to expect from their television commercials. The head dissipates after just a couple minutes leaving a soapy film on top of the golden straw-colored beer. Overall, it looks slightly more appealing than a bud or a light beer but only just.

The smell of the beer is not bad; I get a hint of sweetness and a little dose of  "funkiness." It is difficult to describe this note, though it does come up again in the taste. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that this is a beer from a keg and thus could possibly be different from bottled beer however I have had Heineken from a bottle several times and there does not seem to be a discernible difference.

Upfront, this beer is sweet. There is a slight bitterness that tempers the sweetness but there is a definite and prevailing grainy sweetness to this beer. Typical of mass-produced lager. Let's get back to the "funkiness" I mentioned earlier: if anyone has read my review of Blue Moon, what I am trying to describe is similar to the "musty" scent I described there. In my opinion it is not the most desirable of characteristics though it does seem like this is an intentional flavor and not a product of skunked beer (credit Beeradvocate) given that it is present in the keg beer I am reviewing (not to mention in cans as well).

I would say that the body of Heineken is a bit fuller than Budweiser or similar mass-produced lager but it is not by much. There is a somewhat creamy mouthfeel but, again, these qualities are outweighed by a general wateriness and light mouthfeel. The carbonation in Heineken is nice (read: not over-carbonated like many euro pale lagers), which I guess is a redeeming quality.

Given that the price of Heineken is in the range of some [actual] craft beers, I expect the taste to be much better than it is. I find little difference between this and your generic american lager but I also would not go so far as to say I would never drink it again; it is refreshing and could be a good deal if you catch it on sale.
Bottom line: if it has to be beer and this is the only offering, don't sulk... Heineken will suffice for a good compliment to your meal but it's simply not good enough to be on my shopping list.

Score: C-  2.25/5